I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
