I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
