I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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