u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
