all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
