I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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