Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
