Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize