I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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