I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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