I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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