She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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