i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pants are for mortals
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
