$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
