somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
