I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
there is glitter all over my balls
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
