hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
