If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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