I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Shame - the story of my life.
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