Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
