Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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