I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
