I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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