She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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