The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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