Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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