i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
