If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
