I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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