he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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