You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
