I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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