I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
