The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
