i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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