there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The uberlube is also flammable
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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