it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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