Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
