have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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