No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
