There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
