i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
