where am i from again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
