Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
