If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i came on her dog
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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