You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
