Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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