On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
