the condom got lost in my hair
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
