Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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