I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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