i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
