i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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