My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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