So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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