Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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