You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
