next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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