Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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