funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
