you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
