Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
