I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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