i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
